Reese’s Puffs might be the single greatest invention since beer, the automobile or YouTube.
They successfully marry candy and breakfast in a symphony of synthesized taste that makes ordinary corn-based cereal irrelevant. This stuff gives a new meaning to “most important meal of the day.”
Putting General Mills’ chocolate salty balls aside for a moment, Porsche is another company that managed to mash the essence of being awesome and useful into one product. They call it the Panamera and you should probably take out a second mortgage to own one.
OK, that’s a bit extreme, but if you’re in the market for a luxury sedan names like BMW and Mercedes carry a lot of cache, but not this much. Yes, it may have four doors, but this Porsche is also at home at a race track.
For 2014, Porsche put childish things away, and by that we mean the V8. In its stead, you get a twin-turbo V6 that makes more power and uses less fuel. Imagine that. Still, it’s hard not to look back at the V8 model with a pang of early-onset nostalgia. You might say we’re crying “boo-hoo” over saying “buh-bye” to the “bwah bwahs” the old engine used to make.
But with 420 hp and 384 lb-ft of torque at your disposal, the powertrain is difficult to criticize. The biggest downside is that there’s a slight lag before the boost kicks in. Look out once it does, because your right foot has some powerful propulsion play with.
Specifically, Porsche says the car will hit 60 mph from a standstill in 4.6 seconds or 4.3 with the Sport Chrono package for $1,330. That might not be necessary, but there are a few options you shouldn’t skip. More on that later.
It doesn’t bellow the same song, but you’ll be sending fewer dollars to oil barons who really don’t need your money. Official ratings suggest that you should see 17 mpg around town or 27 on the highway. Of course, that figure assumes that you’ll drive like Danica Patrick. And by that I mean slower than most others.
Then again, anyone willing to spend the sort of cash it takes to drive one of these probably spends as much time fretting over fuel consumption as Putin did Sochi’s Olympic budget.
Even the regular wheelbase model we borrowed from Porsche has oodles of rear seat legroom. The trunk carried three suitcases and auxiliary baggage for a three-night trip with ease.
It won’t take more than a few minutes in the back seat to appreciate the car’s cartoony-looking rear end because the hatchback offers boatloads of headroom.
A past Porsche marketing campaign pushed the 911 as a surprisingly practical option. Debatable as that is, the Panamera’s everyday utility is difficult to ignore.
That comes at a cost because the Panamera is huge. It’s sloping hood can be difficult to judge in parking lots and you can forget about rear visibility. The “premium” package costs $2,230 but you might as well factor that into the base cost because it’s a necessity. Click to the next point to find out why.
By purchasing the premium package, you add parking aid systems that sound a tone any time you come closer to something than the car is programmed to be comfortable with.
It’s precise enough to help you squeeze into spaces the car really shouldn’t slot into, but you’ll probably be grateful to have it for more than tight parking spaces.
That package also includes a rear-view camera as most cars do today. Ignoring the fact that Porsche charges for something (many things, actually) that should be standard equipment, the camera seems like an engineering afterthought.
It’s as if Porsche set out to design the Panamera, finished the job and was thoroughly pleased with the product. But the thought of polluting it with idiot-proofing equipment sat with Stuttgart like stale beer.
It becomes painfully obvious that the Panamera was only designed to drive in one direction as soon as you try to use the obligatory electronic eye to back up.
Anyone buying the all-wheel drive model probably drives in the snow at some point in the year. From first snowfall until the seasonal shift, the camera is covered in road sludge and rendered useless.
You should also seriously consider paying for the air suspension if you think there’s a chance you might need to park in a garage with a steep ramp. Take it from me, there’s something especially painful about sanding the chin of a car that costs six figures.
There’s a certain grace and masculinity to Porsche’s current designs that the rest of Germany’s auto industry lacks. Be it Mercedes-Benz, BMW or Porsche’s Audi cousin, none really compare.
Maybe it’s because you can tinker with the options list to a near-maddening degree. There are 14 kinds of wheels 15 selectable colors aside from the choice for custom paint, three kinds of seats with a dizzying list of material choices. The list goes on and on if you want it to.
It’s all expensive, but it makes for an especially enjoyable all-season compromise to a sports car; sort of like Reese’s Puffs. Just kidding, I couldn’t possibly think of a way to relate guilty pleasure junk food to a high-powered hatchback that costs almost $115,000.
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